Polycule: It’s a Small World After All

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• 2340 words • 10 min •

The dates that went on during December of 2016 are hard to tell in anything resembling a “chronological order.” I was going on something like 7-8 dates a week – one time even 3 in one day. I was giddy with choice, and loving every second of it.

One of the people I went out with during this time was Alien Girl. She sent me a text one morning that she’d “had a bacon for breakfast,” and I decided she must be an alien.

It just sounded like something an alien in disguise would say. Like, “Ah, what did I have for breakfast, you ask? Umm….. [SEARCHING HUMAN CULTURAL DATABASE] Why yes, I had a bacon.”

Me: I’m going to tell her I know she’s an alien

Cute Boy: Oh my GOD do not do that. She’s going to think you’re a weirdo.

Naturally I ignored this advice and sent her the following text.

Polycule: Cute Boy

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• 2300 words • 9 min •

a cake with a "1" candle.
Happy First Birthday to our relationship!

Today is Cute Boy and I’s first anniversary! We lasted one year without either of us axe-murdering the other. So… it’s time to take a mini time-travel trip to how me and Cute Boy met. Cute Boy and I started dating in the middle of October 2016. He was actually the first person I went out with during this spate of dating… but starting Polycule off with a giant post of swooning seemed like a bad idea. 😉

Just like with Chris’ episode, Cute Boy was consulted for commentary! I read this out loud to him, and faithfully recorded everything he said in purple text. Although there’s a lot less here than in Chris’, because Cute Boy basically spent this entire post laughing at me.

So, Cute Boy has a very cute girlfriend. [HEE HEE HEE GOOD START.] I was online looking only at girls’ profiles when I saw her, and sent her the world’s worst first message (confirmed by both Cute Boy and Cute Girlfriend). [it was bad…] I peeked at his profile and was basically SWOON HE’S SO CUTE HELP but… but… I just messaged his girlfriend? And, okay. I have done quite a bit of online dating in the poly community (please see: this entire project) and I still don’t understand the protocol for contacting someone’s partner. If you go on a date with a guy and it doesn’t work out, can you message the girl? Can you send messages to two girls who are dating each other, not with an intent to form a triad, but just… to see if either of them would work out with you separately?

I have no idea.

I opted for not contacting him at all, and going back to my corner to sulk about not understanding social rules.

But the next morning, I woke up to a message from him.

Polycule: How to Win a Fangirl’s Heart

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• 3000 words • 12 min •

Sandoval’s voice was rough, and had that well-worn quality of professors everywhere who speak clearly, often, but drink too much coffee. He had a strong vocabulary and used words in text and conversation that I secretly had to look up later.

He smelled like guy soap and Sweetarts, and was the kind of chubby and barrel-chested that made me want to snuggle up on him and take a nap.

This one’s going to be a long one – and a bit of an emotional ride. Buckle up, kids.

[Content Warnings: discussions of mental illness as the friends/family of someone who is mentally ill, emotional abuse, gaslighting. Pretty intense on those last two. Take care of yourself.]

His first message to me online was long, charming, and silly. He told me later he’d read and re-read my profile dozens of times before sending it, because he wanted to get it right.

Polycule: “I’m Kind of Generic”

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• 1300 words • 5-6 min •

As promised… the second terrible date I’ve been on recently. This one, thankfully, was less terrifying. He respected every boundary I had, and was perfectly polite and nice.

But, uh. That was… that was about it.

Recently-ish, I’ve been open to dating couples. I’ve never done it before, and read some cute triad romance novels that gave me starry-eyed daydreams about it. Plus, it was something I thought would be really interesting to write about for Polycule (haha! I am shameless). There will be a lot more on that at a much later date (pun).

So this guy – Mr. Generic – responded to that, and said he’d show my picture to his wife and tell her about me and see if she was interested.

Polycule: A Big Scoop of Nope

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• 2530 words • 10 min •

I have been writing these Polycule episodes in chronological order, tracking my dating life steadily through fall of 2016. But in the past month I have had two of the worst dates ever. Knowing I would have to wait over a YEAR before sharing these bad dates if I followed my schedule was causing me so much anguish. I had to tell you NOW.

Polycule: Chris

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• 2900 words • 12 min •

Happy 11th birthday to our relationship!

Today’s episode of Polycule is going to be special, a slight deviation from the norm. For one thing, it takes place in the past. But for another, it has comments from Chris himself interspersed throughout in purple. I wrote this piece, and read it to him, and recorded his actual commentary. So… enjoy Chris and I’s love story!

[Why don’t I get a fancy nickname??? Why am I just Chris?? I want a fancy nickname!]

You see, on this day, at 2:18 in the morning, eleven years ago, Chris told me he liked me. And I texted back, telling him to call me because “I am not having the most important conversation of my life via text message.”