Polycule: Get Out of My Car

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• 1756 words • 7-8 min •

[Mild-ish content warning: some fatphobic comments and gross sex/bodily function stories.]

Let’s talk about my second date with Smiley, cause the first date was a basic coffee shop date that was so standard, I don’t even really remember it. Except for the part where he loudly talked about his mom getting high before his surgery and a lengthy description of a prostate exam in which he shit into a nurse’s hand. Maybe I blocked the rest out.

The second date was weeks later. Smiley is tall, loud, very expressive, and has no filter (obviously). He’s kind of a giant goofball who doesn’t really think before he acts (see first date). Most of his text messages to me came with numerous exclamation marks!!!!!! And he would randomly toss out adorable facts like he’s terrified of spiders and makes his girlfriend kill them for him, or when he was little he wanted to change his middle name to Snowman.

Polycule: “I’m Kind of Generic”

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• 1300 words • 5-6 min •

As promised… the second terrible date I’ve been on recently. This one, thankfully, was less terrifying. He respected every boundary I had, and was perfectly polite and nice.

But, uh. That was… that was about it.

Recently-ish, I’ve been open to dating couples. I’ve never done it before, and read some cute triad romance novels that gave me starry-eyed daydreams about it. Plus, it was something I thought would be really interesting to write about for Polycule (haha! I am shameless). There will be a lot more on that at a much later date (pun).

So this guy – Mr. Generic – responded to that, and said he’d show my picture to his wife and tell her about me and see if she was interested.

Polycule: A Big Scoop of Nope

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• 2530 words • 10 min •

I have been writing these Polycule episodes in chronological order, tracking my dating life steadily through fall of 2016. But in the past month I have had two of the worst dates ever. Knowing I would have to wait over a YEAR before sharing these bad dates if I followed my schedule was causing  me so much anguish. I had to tell you NOW.