PolyculePolycule

The story of a polyamorous queer person trying to date on the internet.


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Polycule: Birdy

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• 1900 words • 7-8 min •

Birdy’s name is not, in fact, Birdy. I use code names for everyone I talk about on this blog, but this one actually asked me to call her by a code name. I had messaged her online, and we didn’t have a ton in common, but enough (especially fantasy novels and nerdy pursuits) that I felt like it was worth a shot… until she told me her name.

Which was the same as my birth name.

Polycule

Polycule: Gizzards

• 3700 words •11-18 min • Content warning: This episode deals with acephobia,…

• 3700 words •11-18 min •

My cartoon face saying "Question. Do you/have you actually eaten gizzards? Lmao. And are you excited for pokemon sun/moon to come out tomorro? (I may have pre-ordered it and may be anxiously staring at my porch waiting for packages to arrive)"

Content warning: This episode deals with acephobia, transphobia, and sex in clinical but graphic terms. Those who are triggered by their asexuality being dismissed or treated as a disorder, or by trans identities being reduced to genitalia, ought to skip this one. I offer hugs on your way out. 🙁

Gizzards was an allocishet dude, a giant nerd, who was excited about Pokemon, and had a witty way with words that made our banter hilarious. His personality meshed well with mine – a mixture of intellectual, sarcastic,
and a giant goofball. I had messaged him around the same time as The Ghost, but it wasn’t until the day after that date (literally, hours after returning home) that we switched from dating website to text.

Our conversation tended to wander between Pokemon (Sun and Moon had just come out two days before and we were both sending screenshots and brainstorming good punny names for our newly caught babies) and sex/polyamory/etc. because Gizzards was in college to be a sex therapist, worked in a sort of halfway house for mentally ill people, and had only just started living the polyamorous life a few months ago. He was passionate about each subject and asked me abrupt questions from nowhere such as “What are your thoughts on porn?” (My thoughts: Uh it’s not for me, and I have serious concerns regarding how the actors are treated).

Polycule

Polycule: The Ghost

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• 1750 words • 7 min •

After everything with Axes blew up, I was kind of mopey. People who appear to be interested in me, then later tell me it's a lie or they didn't actually feel as strongly as they originally thought... I'm really sensitive to that. It's happened before, with much bigger relationships, and part of my starting online dating again was that I was only going to accept people who treated me well and who genuinely wanted to be with me. One of my best friends has a saying, "Only date people who want to date you!" and shouts it at me anytime I make excuses for those people who don't appear to be giving me their all, or seem to have dubious intentions.

Very cute white pomeranian doggy.
Puppies are v good at comforting

I was still in the Conversations Stage with a number of people, but had kind of been drifting away from them since I thought there was Something There with Axes. Letting longer and longer lengths of time elapse before I replied, or not taking the initiative to message them.

But here I was, late at night, bored, and feeling really disappointed about Axes, and messaging all the people I'd sort of let slip away in the last few weeks. So let's talk about a few of them that didn't go anywhere, first.

There was a really *really* cute bisexual trans girl with silvery lavender hair and a sort of perfect SOFT GRUNGE look you only see on tumblr. She ended all of her messages with cute little c: faces. And we had progressed to texting and.... and....

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Polycule: Axe Throwing Guy – Part Three

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2600 words • 10 min

The week after the election, nearly everyone I knew had violence occur in their neighborhood. My best friend at the time lived in an apartment complex, and the body of a young black woman was found dead in the apartment below hers. My ex-boyfriend lived in a small town in the northeast and a man went on a shooting spree across the town, something that had never taken place in that area before. A guy I had been talking to online (and who I went on a date with eventually - Gizzards, coming soon) had a Muslim friend who had buckets of red paint thrown on him while walking across campus. And one of Axes' family members was assaulted on the street for wearing a pride shirt. She was physically okay minus some bruising, but everything was terrifying; everyone was shaken over these events happening all over the country.

Fig A. Amazing queer shirt of wonder and majesty

It was heavy, depressing times, and I found myself going to Axes to talk about it over and over again. Over half of his immediate family and all of his friends were queer - he *got it* in a way that most of my other friends didn't.

He also said something that I still think about on a regular basis, and keep as quote on my phone. I shared with him that I had just started to be kind of Out at work. After Pulse happened, I wore all my LGBTQ t-shirts to work that week, and a few coworker friends knew about my life. But after Trump won, and people I know started getting more violence and hate directed at them and those they loved, it started to feel a lot more unsafe, or at least unwise, to be out in the workplace.

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Polycule

Polycule: Axe Throwing Guy – Part Two

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NOTE: If you’re confused by some of the identity labels used, please refer to my Dictionary of Identities page. Thanks!

2265 words • 9 Minutes

oh no oh no oh no oh no

Election day 2016. Axes and I had both voted early. We were also both terrified of the results of this election, but decided the best thing to do would be to completely ignore the results until things were official. Instead of watching the news or keeping tabs on update feeds on our phones, we went on our second date.

Polycule

Polycule: Axe Throwing Guy – Part One

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Note: If you’re a little lost on the characters or identity labels used in this post, check out the cast of characters and dictionary of identities!

• 3500~ words •10-18 min •

I originally clicked on Axe Throwing Guy’s profile because in his picture, he was cuddling a sugar glider.

If you have no idea what that is, it’s like a type of flying squirrel? it’s fuzzy, it’s small, it has big eyes. It’s adorable.

a sugar glider in the palm of someone's hand
I’m adorable!

Basically I wanted to date the sugar glider. Or at least date the boy long enough to get into close enough proximity to the sugar glider, that I could cuddle it and love it forever and maaaaybe squirrel it away in my pocket (pun!) and flee into the night.

Coming Soon: Polycule

Coming April 2017 Announcing… Polycule, a blog series/podcast revolving around the true…

Coming April 2017

Announcing… Polycule, a blog series/podcast revolving around the true story of a polyamorous, queer person dating and doing life.

Wait, what?

I am a polyamorous, demi-bisexual, bigender person living in the midwest USA. Nonbinary, non-monogamous, and not that into sex. Married, has a boyfriend, dates other people, likes kissing. Etc. Oh, also struggles with anxiety, depression, and recovering from trauma/abuse.

I started online dating (again) back in October 2016, and at least 20 people on twitter asked me to write more about my experiences than the tidbits I was sharing in 140 characters. So… I decided to go for it.