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Polycule: It’s a Small World After All

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• 2340 words • 10 min •

The dates that went on during December of 2016 are hard to tell in anything resembling a “chronological order.” I was going on something like 7-8 dates a week – one time even 3 in one day. I was giddy with choice, and loving every second of it.

One of the people I went out with during this time was Alien Girl. She sent me a text one morning that she’d “had a bacon for breakfast,” and I decided she must be an alien.

It just sounded like something an alien in disguise would say. Like, “Ah, what did I have for breakfast, you ask? Umm….. [SEARCHING HUMAN CULTURAL DATABASE] Why yes, I had a bacon.”

Me: I’m going to tell her I know she’s an alien

Cute Boy: Oh my GOD do not do that. She’s going to think you’re a weirdo.

Naturally I ignored this advice and sent her the following text.

Polycule – Sandoval, Part 3 – Rogue One

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• 1580 words • 6-7 min •

I could talk to him for hours, he was so fun.

Sandoval trimmed his beard for our third date. Not just trimmed – basically shaved the entire thing off. I was trying very hard not to pout about it… He was so cute before, all fluffy and soft. Now he was not. “I read on your profile that you don’t like beards,” he said, petting his sharp cactus chin. “So I thought I’d change it.”

Both of my boys have beards. I have no idea where on my profile it said I don’t like them. It really depends on the person, to be honest, and how they maintain their facial hair. But in general, beards are fine. I am pro-beard. I’d rather cuddle someone with a soft face than someone with scruffy stubble scratching at me.

the sexiest thing I will ever post on this site

Our date was Panera first, then a movie after. I was spending quality time with my beloved – Panera paninis, that is – and then… I was going to meet one of his friends. Originally, multiple friends were going to be at the movies, but it had been reduced to just one. Thank God. Meeting all of his people at once would have probably overwhelmed me.

On our second date, he had explained that he had three guy friends he’d known since elementary school. They had physically rescued him from his abusive household and took care of him when his health issues caused him to rely heavily on other people. They had a bond lasting thirty years and were basically his family.

So, y’know, totally no pressure or anything.

Polycule: Cute Boy

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• 2300 words • 9 min •

a cake with a "1" candle.
Happy First Birthday to our relationship!

Today is Cute Boy and I’s first anniversary! We lasted one year without either of us axe-murdering the other. So… it’s time to take a mini time-travel trip to how me and Cute Boy met. Cute Boy and I started dating in the middle of October 2016. He was actually the first person I went out with during this spate of dating… but starting Polycule off with a giant post of swooning seemed like a bad idea. 😉

Just like with Chris’ episode, Cute Boy was consulted for commentary! I read this out loud to him, and faithfully recorded everything he said in purple text. Although there’s a lot less here than in Chris’, because Cute Boy basically spent this entire post laughing at me.

So, Cute Boy has a very cute girlfriend. [HEE HEE HEE GOOD START.] I was online looking only at girls’ profiles when I saw her, and sent her the world’s worst first message (confirmed by both Cute Boy and Cute Girlfriend). [it was bad…] I peeked at his profile and was basically SWOON HE’S SO CUTE HELP but… but… I just messaged his girlfriend? And, okay. I have done quite a bit of online dating in the poly community (please see: this entire project) and I still don’t understand the protocol for contacting someone’s partner. If you go on a date with a guy and it doesn’t work out, can you message the girl? Can you send messages to two girls who are dating each other, not with an intent to form a triad, but just… to see if either of them would work out with you separately?

I have no idea.

I opted for not contacting him at all, and going back to my corner to sulk about not understanding social rules.

But the next morning, I woke up to a message from him.

Polycule: Sandoval – Baconator Fries Solve Everything

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• 920 words • 4 min •

NOTE: Sorry this episode is so late, and so disjointed. My life’s been a bit of a mess recently, and on top of that – Sandoval’s story is an emotional one for me, as you’ll see in this episode and the next two. Please have patience!!

Did I mention Sandoval was ten years older than me? He officially has the biggest age gap of anyone I’ve ever dated. I was intimidated by the writing career he’d already had, his vocabulary and experiences I didn’t share. But I found him fascinating. He was charming and silly, went along with all of my weirdness – from making him download Snapchat to listening to me gush about every cool thing I was reading or playing.

I tend to flirt by teasing people, so of course I teased him about being old any chance I got.

“Be careful,” he said once. “I’m not afraid to pull out the ‘you’re picking on an old blind guy’ card.”

He introduced me to Fallen London, a game that let me play as a nonbinary gender, or as the game called it a “Person of Mysterious and Indistinct Gender.” I absolutely loved this, and love Fallen London for having an inclusive nonbinary option. Sandoval began referring to me by my Fallen London gender in real life, which was hilarious and amazing.

GOOD DAY, SIR. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Sandoval was so much fun to talk to, bounce ideas off of, engage in nerdy debates out of nowhere with. I talked about him all the time, and our conversations bled over into my relationships with everyone else. I endured a lot of teasing for this. I was so excited about this new person I’d found and every amazing, hilarious thing that he did or said or thought.

He was a very bright spot during a couple of heartbreaking weeks. I finally severed ties with my best friend, and I was… lost. And mourning. Countless times every day I’d pick up my phone to text her or forward her a meme… and then remember we were over. Chris works nights and Cute Boy lives 40 minutes away, and there were a lot of nights when I just needed to be around someone so I didn’t spend all night crying on my couch.

Polycule: How to Win a Fangirl’s Heart

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• 3000 words • 12 min •

Sandoval’s voice was rough, and had that well-worn quality of professors everywhere who speak clearly, often, but drink too much coffee. He had a strong vocabulary and used words in text and conversation that I secretly had to look up later.

He smelled like guy soap and Sweetarts, and was the kind of chubby and barrel-chested that made me want to snuggle up on him and take a nap.

This one’s going to be a long one – and a bit of an emotional ride. Buckle up, kids.

[Content Warnings: discussions of mental illness as the friends/family of someone who is mentally ill, emotional abuse, gaslighting. Pretty intense on those last two. Take care of yourself.]

His first message to me online was long, charming, and silly. He told me later he’d read and re-read my profile dozens of times before sending it, because he wanted to get it right.

Polycule: Get Out of My Car

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• 1756 words • 7-8 min •

[Mild-ish content warning: some fatphobic comments and gross sex/bodily function stories.]

Let’s talk about my second date with Smiley, cause the first date was a basic coffee shop date that was so standard, I don’t even really remember it. Except for the part where he loudly talked about his mom getting high before his surgery and a lengthy description of a prostate exam in which he shit into a nurse’s hand. Maybe I blocked the rest out.

The second date was weeks later. Smiley is tall, loud, very expressive, and has no filter (obviously). He’s kind of a giant goofball who doesn’t really think before he acts (see first date). Most of his text messages to me came with numerous exclamation marks!!!!!! And he would randomly toss out adorable facts like he’s terrified of spiders and makes his girlfriend kill them for him, or when he was little he wanted to change his middle name to Snowman.