The Past Six Months

It feels like I dropped off the face of the earth for most of 2018. At least as far as the internet is concerned. I went from blogging regularly, running projects, posting my writing at least once a week if not more… to nothing.

And a few times, I have opened up my laptop to write about what I was doing, update ongoing projects, etc. And I write sentences, delete them, and eventually give up.

So… what’s been going on?

Mass chaos.

At the end of last year, I got my dream job, flew to California, and was all set to do three months of training there before coming back home to work remotely.

I ended up in a really terrible living situation that was bad for my mental and physical health, not to mention very unsafe. My work agreed to let me return home early after just one month of training, and I was back home before Christmas, although I needed a lot of recuperation.

Unfortunately, there were two major traumatic events that happened in my family in December, followed by Chris getting sick and going to the ER, followed by my grandfather dying, followed by Chris’ dad having heart surgery, followed by….

The list. Goes on. And on. And on.

It wasn’t until JUNE that life stopped throwing one thing after another into my path and things became relatively calm enough for me to breathe and work on things.

So many Hiatuses

Right when I got back, I was using creative projects – especially filming youtube videos – as a way to have fun creatively outside of my job, and as a way to recharge from all the mess happening. But eventually it all just built up and suddenly I didn’t have the energy for anything besides self-care, recharging, and taking care of myself and those around me.

I canceled all my projects or else put them on long-term hiatus. The only project I stuck with is Love & Bubbles, which is still happening! We pushed the publication date back to September to account for all of the mess I’ve had happen this year.

Honestly, I started to feel guilty being on social media where people could see me “wasting time” talking about video games or making dumb jokes when I was falling behind on the deadlines I’d set for myself, either with Love & Bubbles, or with my projects before I put them on hiatus.

There was also a strange new aspect of not being able to talk about my job, or the creative work that took up most of my time. And because my new coworkers followed me on twitter, I was worried about coming across as too mentally ill, too queer, or too overexcited/talkative… things that have driven away friends, family, and loved ones in the past, and things that have definitely been unsafe to share with coworkers at my previous jobs. (My new coworkers are amazing and would never judge me for any of that… but it’s taken me a while to realize that.)

I miss you 🙁

I really pulled away from the internet community that has always been a source of strength and support for me, and I have missed it terribly. Especially having a place to discuss gender, mental health, polyamory, etc. in an open setting. I miss blogging about things that happened to me and joining in conversation about identity and representation and other things that matter to me.

It feels weird to have been “away” for so long… like I’m not sure if I remember how to do this, and I feel so behind. The other day I realized someone I considered a friend had gotten engaged months ago and I didn’t even notice.

And there’s been so much drama. Haha. I keep seeing subtweets and references to things and having to DM people like “WAIT WHO DID WHAT NOW???” 😉

I don’t know if I’m ready to keep up a schedule or anything, but I want to get back into the habit of blogging regularly, and I wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me, in case someone was worried. <3

Thank you for putting up with me! ;P

Jaylee James

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